That's a tough one.
Especially when you've spent your life debating intelligent, culturally enlightened, not to mention witty and sarcastic people to the degree that you have come to value such skill for bantering as an art form to be mastered.
However...
It is not very positive, least of all positively Zen-like, to passively aggressively strike back, no matter how tempting the bait, or how worthy the opponent of being put in their place.
The true test for me is when I know I am right, they are wrong, rude, mean, spiteful. But if I really look deeply into what might be motivating them, I can honestly say it just may well be...
pain, hurt, fear, anger, insecurity.
If I dig even deeper into my heart, I can respond with patience, compassion, and a dose of ...
Literalism.
It's still perhaps highly passive and ever so slightly aggressive, but I am finding it works. It stumps. It encourages further discussion, or discourages further argument.
For instance, I receive baited lines with jagged hooks several times a day from someone I know to be in pain. They don't know that's why they're baiting, because it's so painful they can't examine it. But I know. And admittedly, sometimes I bite - hook, line, and sinker. But more often than not these days I don't.
And it's spilling out into the rest of my world.
Why argue?
Would they change their mind anyway?
Am I even right?
Am I talking facts or my opinions?
And are my opinions better than another person's? Or just different.
My sons' uncle on their father's side has a very useful tool when engaging in conversation with someone who needs desperately to be heard, to be believed, to be right.
Someone will say the most strange, ironic, opinionated thing to him and he will respond with,
"Is that RIGHT."
Not a question.
Not a statement.
But somewhere in between.
And sometimes he follows up with a -
"I never heard that before" in a very neutral tone.
This is a highly evolved communicative tool, that more people need to be employing these days. It says,
"I neither agree nor do I disagree with you... However, I am listening to you."
Another good "literalism" tool is when someone speaks to you in a demeaning, sarcastic way, to respond as though they really mean it. Sincerely.
This works in an plethora of situations.
I come from a small town, with a history of exclusiveness. Ok...that's a bit mild. It's racist, the kind that is traditionally passed down through the family. In past generations, those who remained in town, also stayed within the tradition, while open minded people moved on and out. However, according to reliable sources, the town is becoming more open minded, not in a kicking and screaming sort of way, but in a "that kind of racism has to die out with the people who practice it" fade. But still I have old friends, family members, etc, who try to tell me racist jokes. I used to listen and just not laugh, feel uncomfortable, wish I would speak my mind and feel badly about not doing so.
Then I quite by accident discovered "literalism." When someone started with, "You wanna hear a joke about (insert any obvious racial stereotype here)? I would answer with, "Is it racist?" and most times surprisingly they would smile as they answered, "Why yes-have you heard it before?"
"No, and No thanks."
Off I would walk to another conversation, leaving more than one relative scratching their head wondering where my parents went wrong.
If they get the joke out before you're onto it's objectionable content, I've found saying,"I don't get it," to be very helpful. Let them try to explain the joke, and accept their eye rolls as to how slow and humorless you are. Then when they are done say, "Oh, I understood why you thought it was funny. But I don't find it humorous at all." I have never yet found someone who knows how to further the racist/sexist/etc discussion following that one. I'm sure someone out there will think of something. To which I will be ready to respond with,
"Is that right? I never heard of that before."
Of course my interactions with people telling inappropriate jokes racially or otherwise is pretty limited these days. But the tools come into play in relating to a world that has become more sarcastic, less accountable, and often strikes from a distance and in an "anonymous" way.
For instance, this morning I received an inflammatory email, from someone I don't know, and suspect is not actually who the email appears to be from.
It was sarcastic. It was mean spirited. It was a desperate attempt to feel superior to me and upset me.
It was coming from a place of hurt, and a definite attempt to project that hurt onto me hard enough for me to absorb it, effectively removing it from the one who is hurting.
It worked at first. Well, I can't say it worked to alleviate their pain at all, as that I can never know since they won't have a real life face to face conversation with me. But it worked on my end. I felt my face flush, I got an adrenaline rush, I let it "Gob-smack" me for a minute, maybe two.
Then I wrote some really tart replies, in order to increase the hurt as exponentially and efficiently as possible.
But didn't SEND them.
Felt better, got it off my chest.
Deep, cleansing breaths.
Then I responded politely, as though both the sarcasm and sender were literally what and who they professed to be.
I haven't heard back. I may or may not. No matter.
I didn't take the bait, didn't try to further the discussion, or spin it into something uglier than it's original intent.
Personal growth meets evolutionary epiphany-I think it just might be my new super power!
Zen the Neutralizer-able to stop stirring another person's pot, without my own kettle simmering in an unhealthy way -in a single bound!
Off to save the world, one non-bait taking- literal exchange at a time!
Have a positively happy Monday. :)
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